Learning to Lament: The Danger of Avoiding Lament

Lament isn’t easy. It’s not usually the most comfortable or natural response. It’s easier to wallow in the pain or try to numb it somehow. To jump into the boat and embark on the journey of lament requires trust in our Good Shepherd to lead us and to meet us with His steadfast love and anchoring truth. 

One thing that helps motivate me to engage in lament is to acknowledge and remember the dangers of avoiding lament and the gifts that I would miss out on. So what are some of the things that can happen when we don’t lament?

  • Our emotions become the only voice we hear and the only lens through which we see and evaluate everything. 
  • We become calloused and cynical. We avoid the people and situations that feel painful, and end up withdrawing from God and others. 
  • Hopelessness sets in and we become paralyzed, rather than being moved toward appropriate action.
  • We seek satisfaction, comfort and relief in empty things. 
  • We rush to our own solutions instead of waiting on God. We try to get around the suffering rather than moving through it. 
  • Grief always comes out, even if we try to bottle it up. It may explode in the context of our relationships, or be expressed through other emotions, such as anger or fear. 
  • The pain we’re experiencing now continues to be a raw wound that we carry around with us into the future—open, vulnerable, sensitive and never truly healed. 
  • In a corporate sense, we are less effective in connecting with and ministering to people who are suffering. 
  • We miss out on knowing God more intimately. We start feeling like God is distant because we’re not walking through it with Him.
  • We miss the opportunity to grow in our faith and have our hearts shaped by God.

Learning to Lament: Grieving the Small Things

We live in a comparison culture. As self-oriented people, we constantly measure ourselves against others. We even compare our suffering. When our situation doesn’t seem as bad as someone else’s, we will often dismiss our struggles as not significant enough to mention (to God or to a friend). But if we ignore our experience and don’t acknowledge its impact, the hurt is still there. We don’t learn or grow by dismissing it; the pain just festers and bleeds into our relationships and behavior. 

One of the beautiful truths about lament is that even the small things are an invitation to turn to God and walk through it with Him. Relationships are forged in the daily moments. If we only turn to our Father in crisis, we won’t have intimate trust and dependence built up, and we won’t know His voice as well. The more often we turn to Him with a humble posture of lament, the more we will grow.

The current pandemic has delivered so many unexpected disappointments and losses. You may not have lost a loved one or your job, but you have been impacted in some way. How can we learn to deal with disappointment in a way that is both honest and humbly dependent on God? Lament gives us a language and a framework to process through the daily hurts and losses, to be comforted by God’s presence, and directed by Him in how to respond. When we turn to God, every small thing is an opportunity to know Him more and be shaped to reflect Him to others. 

The process of grieving the small things looks just like any other lament:

  • Turn to God and acknowledge the struggle, whether it comes in the form of loss, fear, confusion or disappointment. Give voice to what you feel.
  • Seek God’s help to understand why you’re feeling this way. Why does this struggle feel significant? What do you care about and value in this situation?
  • How do God’s character and ways speak to your experience? Remember truth, cry out to Him for help and wisdom, and yield your heart to trust in Him.

Learning to lament the everyday hurts and disappointments takes some intentional practice to develop a rhythm of noticing and taking them to God. In my life, I want this turning to become an automatic response from a heart that knows, loves and is yielded to my Father—as natural as reaching for food when I’m hungry. Here are some practical tools that are helping me grow: 

  • Journaling. When I’m not journaling, I’m not really processing. This practice helps me to be still enough to understand what I’m dealing with and encourages me to be consistent in turning to God. 
  • Sharing with a friend. We can benefit from the help of other believers to give a fresh perspective on what we’re going through and remind us of truth. 
  • Recognizing patterns. There tend to be certain themes connected to the things I get upset about and the reasons why they impact me. Noticing these patterns helps me learn about my own heart and emphasizes what God is teaching me.
  • Searching Scripture. As I see these patterns and learn from God’s Word, it’s helpful to keep a list of truths and verses from Scripture that remind me of what God has been showing me about Himself and how I live before Him. 

Learning to Lament: Grieving in Community

There is much beauty in personal lament as we connect one-on-one with our Father. We need that intimate kind of lament. But God has designed the church as a family, so there is also great fruit in practicing lament in the context of community. Sometimes we are all facing the same loss or hardship, and grieving together strengthens the entire Body as we point one another to the Lord and collectively root ourselves in truth. The shared experience of honest, raw lament can bring healing and unity to the whole community. Difficulty has a tendency to lead us to turn inward and deal with the pain alone, so it takes intentional effort to see each other, engage, and walk through grief together. 

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

—Romans 12:15, ESV

The more common occurrence is for an individual, family or group within the Body to go through seasons of unique suffering. We may struggle to know what to say or how to help, since there’s usually not much we can actively do to change the situation. But lament praying can be a helpful tool to connect with those who are suffering, letting them know they are seen and loved. Through lament, we can enter into the pain of others—growing in understanding and empathy through listening, calling out to God on their behalf, and standing with them in solidarity. As members together of the same Body, what happens to one person impacts all of us. 

If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together. 

—1 Corinthians 12:26, ESV

As we come close to the suffering and sit with them in the pain, a gift we can offer is to pray for them (and with them if they’re willing), crying out on their behalf when they feel too broken to put words together. And as we think about coming alongside those who are suffering to lament with and for them, we know that times will come when we are the ones who need to invite others into our pain and lean on them. 

Another type of lament that can be done in community is corporate repentance. This practice doesn’t seem to be very common in American churches today, but we see many examples in Scripture (such as Nehemiah 1:1-11 and 9; Daniel 9:3-19; Ezra 9:6-10:1). Whether it’s the whole church Body praying together, or the pastors leading, coming together to confess our common sin and turn toward repentance can be a powerful practice used by God to produce much fruit—in individual hearts and the church as a whole.

This work of walking through grief in community has to be rooted in love, empathy and humility. It’s a way that we reflect the incarnating work of Jesus, who took on flesh and entered into our broken world to bring redemption. As we learn to lament together, it can yield closer relationships, unity, and the whole Body being built up in Christ and pointed toward truth. Through listening to and understanding the trials of others as we come alongside them, lament also leads us to compassionate action (Deuteronomy 24:17-22; Hebrews 10:32-34; 2 Corinthians 8:1-5). 

Learning to Lament: Love and Longing

As we walk with God through lament, He reorients our mind toward truth by His Word. But He also works to shape our heart, to grow in us a deeper love and longing for Him and His Kingdom. The God-focused, reorienting nature of lament makes it an act of worship, which in turn amplifies and deepens our worship. 

“Every feeling that turns toward God actually becomes part of our worship.”

Untangling Emotions

The work of lament in my own heart is stretching and humbling; it’s pulling me in deeper. It’s been leading me to behold more of the surpassing greatness of God and be satisfied in Him. Here are some of the ways that I’ve seen God use lament to shape hearts:

  • Aligning our heart to love what God loves. He values life and people. He stands for what is good. He loves justice and redemption, truth and grace. Instead of just chasing our desires and loving ourselves, lament can conform our loves to His. 
  • Growing in us an increasing distaste for what God opposes. Rather than turning a blind eye to the brokenness in the world, and in our heart and life, we can acknowledge and grieve our own sin, as well as the ravages of sin and brokenness that we bump up against each day.
  • Giving us an increasing longing for redemption and the motivation to join God in this work. It may mean forgiving someone who has hurt you and working to pursue reconciliation, or sharing with others the invitation of the Gospel to be reconciled to God through Christ. We reach out to others, especially those who have been marginalized, and invite them to come near. 
  • Having our expectations shaped by His purposes. Lament can increase our eternal perspective and give us open eyes to see how God is at work. A change in perspective and expectations transforms how we pray. We still pray for tangible gifts such as healing and financial provision, but we go further to ask for help that is rooted in God’s redemptive purposes—heart change, reconciliation, dependence, perseverance, increased faith, humility, and so on. Lament helps us lean into the painful things we face and look for resurrection. 
  • Making our heart tender toward God and people. As we experience God’s comfort and compassion toward us, our love and trust in Him grows stronger. As we see our own brokenness and weakness, and God’s mercy in response, we’re equipped with grace to love others and walk patiently with them. 

Learning to Lament: God Speaks

The voices of pain, fear and anger speak loudly. As we journey through lament, we need to listen to and be reoriented by God’s voice. Thankfully, God not only sees and cares for us, but He speaks His words to our broken hearts. Since creation, God has been speaking life and hope and purpose. The written Word reveals Himself—through it we learn His character, His ways and His heart. But it’s not just information—God’s words are relational and purposeful. 

The practice of pouring out our hearts in humble complaint may feel like the easier and more familiar step, but an essential aspect of the lament process is tuning our hearts to hear and receive what God is saying to us. So what are some of the words that God speaks to those who are grieving?

  • God is near, and nothing can separate us from His love. Whatever our pain, He invites us to walk through it with Him. 
  • Just as God daily fed the Israelites with manna during their wilderness journey, He gives us grace and strength for today, and will give it again tomorrow. 
  • No other refuge is sufficient. In Him, we will find rest and joy and hope.
  • He loves what is good and hates what is evil.
  • God is still at work. His power is perfect, and His purposes will be accomplished. 
  • There is more beyond our suffering. We are invited into God’s eternal Kingdom reality, where our present pain is light and momentary compared with our future hope, which is secure and glorious.
  • The world is broken, and we are in need of grace—but He is a God of redemption, and He is making all things new. 

Learning to Lament: The Journey

“To cry is human, but to lament is Christian.” 

Mark Vroegop

It’s natural to want comfort when we’re hurting, so we tend to seek out other people as a sounding board where we rehearse our pain and receive their comfort and affirmation. We cry, we vent, we replay our suffering on an endless loop. For me, it’s so easy to get stuck in that place—the sadness feels all-consuming and it seems like there’s no way out. Now that I think about it, that’s probably why I often avoid acknowledging the sadness altogether—fear that it will swallow me, that I’ll never get out of the pit. 

However, grief is meant to be productive and active; it’s going somewhere. The destination of lament is not a feeling that things will turn out according to our definition of perfect, or a fake display of happiness. Our destination is trust in God as we move deeper into relationship with Him and lift our eyes to focus on His steadfast love and character. Lament leads us on a journey—from darkness to light, hopeless to resting.

The initial step in this journey is to turn to God in response to His invitation. The next element is what we normally think of as the central aspect of grief—crying out to God, pouring out our heart before the Lord. We acknowledge the pain, hurt, fears and frustrations, and we take them to Him. This crying out is very different from just venting though, because of who we’re talking to—God our Father who creates all things and yet knows, loves and cares about us individually. He is the God of all comfort, and we’re talking to Him in the context of relationship.

The journey continues on from there though, leading us to recall God’s character and faithfulness and look to Him for help and hope. By lifting our eyes up off of the pain and focusing on Him, our perspective can be reframed by truth. Like with a camera lens that’s been zoomed all the way in, we can widen the picture, refocus, and see the broader context of what we’re dealing with. Our small story is always happening within God’s grand narrative of redemption. As we continually turn to God and have our vision clarified by His presence, promises and purposes, we grow in trusting and resting in Him, which is where lament graciously leads us. Trust doesn’t mean everything is tied up in a bow—rather, it’s a reminder and persistent recognition that we are tethered to our good God. 

Lament isn’t a one-time linear process; it’s a road we’re going to be traveling as long as we sojourn in this broken world. But it isn’t stagnant; it’s active, moving us toward God and toward each other. 

How an Eternal Perspective Shapes Our Present Living

Let’s face it – we are chronically self-focused. Our gaze is usually turned inward, and we evaluate and engage everything through the lens of personal impact. In seasons of suffering or bouts of difficult emotion, our vision is narrowed even more. But in Christ, our mind and heart are being transformed, renewed in the image of our Creator. A big piece of that sanctification process is growing in developing and nurturing an eternal perspective, so that our affections and purposes come into line with God’s. We need our lives to be shaped by God’s promises.

Eternal perspective has become a pervasive theme in what God has been teaching me lately. And the more I learn and grow, the more clearly I see how having an eternal perspective shapes every aspect of our present living. Here are just a few examples of areas that are impacted:

  • SUFFERING | We are given hope and comfort in the midst of suffering and grief. We are motivated to persevere and surrender.
  • FOCUS | We lift up our eyes and take the focus off ourselves. It cultivates a heart of humility.
  • SPIRITUAL GROWTH | We are motivated to know God more and walk with Him daily, and to put off sin and grow in sanctification.
  • PURPOSE | Our priorities are reoriented to focus on God’s purposes. We recognize that life is a gift to be stewarded rather than a competition to gain all we can.
  • WORK | It changes our perspective on work and ministry. Everything we do is fueled by the ministry of reconciliation that has been entrusted to us.
  • FEAR | In the face of anxiety, we are led to trust God and rest in the peace that He gives. This life is fleeting, and the pain and hurt is temporary. God is bigger than the things we fear, and we stand in reverent awe before Him.
  • IDENTITY | Our story is enveloped in God’s, and all glory goes to Him. He redefines and reframes our identity.
  • RELATIONSHIPS | We are motivated to pursue reconciliation in our relationships. We let go of offenses more quickly and remember that relationships are for Him, not for us.
  • LOVE | Our affections are loosed from earthly treasures, and our heart is fixed on our Father who has so abundantly loved us. We are devoted to Him above all else.

Engaging with the Word

The Bible is unlike any other book. It’s not meant to be read passively or selectively. It is living and active – it teaches, convicts and changes us as we interact with it. We come to the Word to learn about God’s character, and to be progressively transformed into His image. So we need to learn what it looks like to engage actively with God’s Word, with a heart of surrender that seeks to know and respond to Him.

Instead of just skimming over the words on the page, take time to really sit in it and reflect. Ask questions, think about what it means, consider how it connects to the overarching story of redemption, identify what it teaches about who God is and how He works.

Invite the Lord to illuminate your heart and open your eyes through His Word. In what ways do your thoughts and desires fail to line up with what you’re reading in this passage? Seek to understand the root of your sin, not just the external action.

Whenever we see some aspect of God’s character in Scripture, our own sin and insufficiency will be evident. Recognizing our sin is a gift of God’s grace to us, and is part of how He is at work changing us. But it’s uncomfortable, so our natural tendency is often to ignore it and focus on things that seem more pleasant and encouraging. However, the only right response is to humbly confess to God our sin and desperate need for Him.

We know that the Bible says God is good and faithful and loving, but in the face of difficulty, it’s hard to remember and walk in those truths. One of the ways for truth to move from our head to our heart is through praise. Whatever you learn in Scripture about God and His work, respond by praising Him – awaken your heart to love and worship the Lord.

Be specific in praying that God will change your heart and mind. We are dependent on Him and need His help to learn to walk in His ways. For example, if you recognize pride in your heart, ask God to grow you in humility and show you where in your life you have been pursuing your own glory instead of His.

Identify particular ways that God is leading you to respond to His Word. Heart change may take time, but you can take steps forward in obedience as He teaches you through His Word.

That God would speak and reveal Himself to us is such amazing grace. May we cherish and engage with His Word, looking not just for information or help, but to know our Creator in relationship and be changed by Him.

Key Strategies for Navigating Conflict

Especially in our closest and most important relationships, conflict has the potential to become volatile and cause severe, lasting damage. But in Christ, our conflict has the potential to display the grace of God and actually strengthen the relationship. This redemptive fruit is not automatic, though. We must depend on God to help us approach conflict in a new way that is so opposite from the natural bent of our flesh. While navigating conflict in this new way is a complex matter, I would sum it up in two key strategies: love and listen.

LOVE | Be committed to unity. Love doesn’t keep score or manipulate. Try to approach conflict with a cooperative, rather than competitive, attitude. You’re on the same team; you’re sitting on the same side of the table. Let your communication be characterized by humility and selflessness. Love and honor each other as people created in God’s image and given value by Him.

LISTEN | Usually in conflict, you will find a clashing of perspectives and desires. Each person is coming at it from a different angle and is interpreting things according to their own interests and experiences. And each party views one particular aspect as the most important consideration or most pressing concern. So be grace-centered in your approach by seeking to understand each person’s point of view and interests. Rather than assuming you know how the other thinks and feels, ask clarifying questions with a desire to truly understand their heart. Then respond with empathy and compassion. Lay down arms, seek God, and work together to reach a wise solution that honors God above all.

Doing conflict from a place of love and grace is hard. We won’t always get it right; we will often hurt those we love. But we can cultivate a pattern of humble confession and merciful forgiveness, and keep moving forward together as we learn a redemptive way to walk through conflict.

*  My perspective has been influenced by Ken Sande’s book Peacemaking for Families. I highly recommend it as a valuable resource for understanding communication and conflict in relationships.

Walking in Wisdom

Each of us are being shaped and guided by particular beliefs, desires, and allegiances that set our lives on a trajectory. Yet often we get so busy living life that we don’t take time to really consider how we are living and what we are pursuing. But God has a specific design for how we have been created to live before Him – walking in wisdom.

Proverbs 9:10 tells us, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.” So this wisdom life that God has called us to must be rooted in the fear of the Lord. Nothing else is a steady foundation, and no other posture is conducive to growing in true wisdom. What does it mean to fear the Lord? It’s a matter of the heart – our posture and allegiance – that flows from a right view of God as holy and exalted. Fear of the Lord looks like worship, surrender, obedience, trust and love.

The life of walking in wisdom embraces and is marked by humility. This means we trust that God’s ways are best, even when they are hard or don’t make sense. Humility is dependent on God, rather than being self-reliant. We look to His character, purposes and design as our source for discerning what is right and best. We also seek to have an accurate awareness of our weaknesses and temptations. As we learn to walk in humility, we receive correction and are willing to confess and repent in submission to our Good King.

Scripture teaches us the life-giving value of wisdom, and insists that it must be intentionally pursued. So what does that pursuit look like?

  • Wisdom’s reach is extensive, so we should shine the light of Scripture into every area of our life.
  • We can invite correction, input, and accountability from other believers.
  • Wisdom grows as we take time to process and reflect on our experiences and the responses of our heart. If we stay in survival mode or fill our lives so full that we’re never still, there won’t be an opportunity for growth.
  • We must remember that wisdom is not just about behavior and choices, but heart change and being shaped into the image of God. With this perspective, we can seek out the root and pray for God to change us as we follow Him.

Let us move forward in pursuit of the life God created us for, growing in wisdom as we follow Him in joyful, humble obedience.